To Feel is to Empower

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Have you ever had an experience where you had a feeling about something, and that feeling was strong, yet when you had to defend it or speak to it through a “rational” context you were completely unable to?  I’ve had that happen throughout my life, and what it is is a schism between rationality and intuition.

The thing about many “developed” societies around the world is that what leads the culture is rationality.  Rationality is prized above all else as it is what “makes sense.” Science is based in rationality, as is all of the technology that surrounds us.  What is interesting about rationality, is that it involves critical thinking. I’m not dogging thinking, I love to think, I can think all and you wouldn’t even know it!  But what is happening is that we are getting to a point in our society that we overthink and we develop disorders like anxiety, depression, crippling indecision etc. We are also at a point where we are thinking more than we are being, and that is taking its toll on the natural world.  Many of us have lost the ability to simply be, and that indicates a real disharmony.  That disharmony is reflected in the destruction of so much of our Earth.

See, everything must exist in a balance.  And this world we live in is based on duality, so there is an opposing force to rationality, which is intuition.  Yet, where in this world is intuition prized?  And what exactly is intuition? Intuition is based on feeling and sensing.  It is a pull, it is a knowing. It is how our ancestors guided themselves to different herds to hunt, it is where the unexplainable lies.  It is based in the feelings you feel.

Yet we have arrived at a point in history where we have been trained out of feeling.  To feel, is actually to be weak to many of the population. Men have been trained out of their sensitivity otherwise they may be deemed “pussies.”  And women in order to be taken seriously by men (who still run much of the workforce and governments) must act rationally, so they end up throwing their sensitivity and disowned femininity into their shadow.  If you are overly sensitive in this culture, that is seen as a weakness. Yet we are at a point in human history where the overemphasis on rationality and external forces has lead to the domination of our natural world through conquest and competition.  In order to become more balanced we ALL must begin to honor our intuition, which means to honor the feeling part of ourselves and begin to allow our lives to become more guided by this force.

I am an intuitive woman, and it has taken me years to to fully embrace that fact and not fight it.  I finally allowed myself to cultivate my gifts and accept my 6th sense as part of myself. I was raised in this society just as you were and yes, I was raised by a single mom so I had a little more acceptance of the feeling part, but overall no one taught me that to feel was to empower.  If you have ever been someone that just seems to know things without knowing how you know them, you are intuitive.  The thing is, is that we are all intuitive, we were born as babies and children completely intuitive, meaning we were in-tune with our natural surroundings and didn’t have to distort our energies in order to fit a mold.  That is why we were so clear, we didn’t yet have to “fit in.” Intuition is simply a psychic ability, it is being able to tune into the subtle energies that connect every single one of us on the planet to one another.  It is the same energy that connects us to all the plants and animals of the planet, every living thing that pulsates energy that we are all a part of, not separate from. Yet, so many of us have been trained through thousands of years of conditioning that intuition is something only witches or shamans or medicine men have.  True, it is where the magic of being human lies, as there are many unexplainable things on this planet that science still cannot answer. But because intuition lies in the feeling space, much of the time it was associated with feminine attributes. Over thousands of years of the demonization of the female body and femininity in general, it is something that society, religious institutions, and science have all shut away into the shadow, into the dark space, into the area that isn’t deemed “acceptable” by society.  After so many years of that conditioning, we have landed to this spot, right here, where in 2018 Intuition is just now beginning to peak itself out of the closet.

The reason I am bringing this up is because I’ve realized through talking to so many of my friends and clients that many humans, (women especially, but this article is for all humans that have ever felt this way) give away their power time and time again because their intuition is not honored as a valid reason for doing something or not doing something.  How many times have you felt something was off yet because you weren’t able to rationally explain why you went ahead and did it anyway only to find out it was exactly what you had felt but couldn’t articulate?  How many times did you have a feeling about someone that you didn’t really like yet on paper they really didn’t have many flaws so you went ahead and married or dated them only to find out that your feeling in the beginning was right?   Or what about even if you tried to articulate your feelings, you were easily persuaded otherwise through a highly rational argument? There are so many of us that are highly sensitive and feel things so strongly yet time and time again we give away that DEEP POWER because we are unable to explain it in a rational way.  That means, we are trying to fit something that opposes rationality into a rational box...its very difficult.

What has been particularly difficult for me has been trying to explain my feelings to an ex-partner that is highly rational, and highly persuasive.  Time and time again no matter how strongly I feel or don’t feel something he is somehow able to get me to question myself. I begin to listen to his lengthy rational and logical argument and somehow I end up wondering if I am wrong?  I will start thinking, “Well...maybe I’m being too harsh” or “I don’t want to hurt him this badly...maybe I should just be friends.” Only when I get some space from him and get quiet with myself am I able to hear myself again and the deep feeling within me that needs space. But that is all that it is, it is just a feeling. At this point Im able to put words to that feeling, but so many women (and men) after years of repressing that side of themselves just have difficulty even articulating any part of their feelings.   And what I am doing at this point is I am choosing to honor that feeling.  

I have finally learned in my near 35 years on this planet that every single time I have done that; given myself over to someone even though the deep voice inside is saying NO, I have abandoned myself.  I have not only abandoned myself, I have abandoned my power in order to please and care for another person. This is the cross that every single sensitive person must bare, that so many times, we are the ones that have the hardest time putting up the boundaries because we are the ones that feel the deepest.  It's a paradox, because our power is our ability to feel, yet so much of the time because our society does not deem that a real power, we hand it over, abandon it, and end up abandoning ourselves in the process.  

I understand this can be a slippery slope as when you break up with someone, of course they are not going to want you to leave them so they will throw every argument your way to get you back, and the more persuasive the person is, the harder it can be to stay firm in your power.  This doesn't just include an ex, it can be a friend that has time and time again crossed the line, a sibling that asks too much, or even a parent that you feel a toxicity with. Yet, the more in tune we become with ourselves, our feelings, and our intuition, the easier it will be to hold firm in whatever it is that we feel and not need to explain ourselves.  

This is the message I want to get across here in this piece, you do not have to explain why you feel the way that you feel, simply feeling the way you feel is enough.  This statement in and of itself is kind of revolutionary, as it goes against every edict of the western world.  We are a system based on checks and balances and a system that praises being able to logically explain oneself. IF you can't do that, your argument cannot “win”.  Yet, as we begin to usher in a new era, based on collectivism and not competition, an era where the female and feminine attributes in all humans are becoming more balanced and integrated, simply having a true feeling about something is ENOUGH.  You don't have to explain yourself, because you cant, its impossible.  Knowing comes from a place where rationality does not live, it's beyond the thinking mind, it is deeper, higher, more connected.  Intuition is becoming the new normal, and all we have to say to that is I don't have to explain, the answer is NO.  Or the answer could be yes, haha.  The point is that Ladies and Gents, you don’t have to explain yourself.  Whatever you feel, Yes or No is ENOUGH.    

So the next time you have a STRONG feeling that you cannot fully explain, before you dismiss it because it “doesn’t make sense” take a moment and breathe into that feeling.  Feel where it lives in your body, sit with it, dig into it, allow it to expand. THAT is your intuition. That is the seat of the secret power in your being that if cultivated can begin to lead you to things your rational “manifesting” mind could have never even conjured up on its own.  Intuition is in the realm of spirit, it is outside of the human mind, and contains the kind of imagination we cannot even conjure on our own. To feel is to empower, remember that and allow yourself to start to open to the rich well of emotion that is our Goddess Given right.


 

Move the Spotlight

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So often in our lives when we are having some sort of problem with something or someone, we are so fully focused on what it is that THEY are doing to US.  We place so much of the attention and focus on their needs, their actions and their thoughts. I know for so much of my life, whenever I got into something with someone, usually a partner, I would be stuck in the blame game, thinking of the myriad of reasons why what they did was wrong and going round and round in my head over reasons why they acted in such a way.  What I started noticing, especially with my female clients but this applies to any HUMAN in a relationship, is that constantly focusing on the needs of their partner and what it was they wanted and needed actually completely took the focus off of themselves and what their actual NEEDS were in any situation.

This is very common for empathic people, who are concerned with making sure that whomever they are with “feels good”.  Empathic people feel other people's feelings, especially those of their partner, and they generally want to to make sure that whomever they are with doesn't have to feel that pain, so they do whatever they have to do (usually sacrificing their own needs) in order to avoid that person from having to feel pain.  What generally happens in these kinds of relationships, is that the empathic person over-gives to the point of depletion and exhaustion and then feels a deep resentment and or depression from ignoring themselves and their own needs. Yet because they aren't even aware they are ignoring themselves, they don't actually know why they are so angry or depressed.  This has happened to me more times than I could count. As a highly empathic and psychic person, I take on whatever it is my partner is going through and have always tried to help heal them out of it. This means my needs take a back seat, and I become increasingly exhausted, depleted, resentful, and depressed.

The hardest thing to do for those that are so sensitive they feel everything is to actually think about what it is that they need.  This is difficult for a variety of reasons. If you are a woman and highly sensitive, you have more than likely taken on the collective conditioning the culture has thrown at you for thousands of years.  That conditioning being that women are meant to be subserviant and accomodating to men, place their needs last, and make sure the male is happy at any cost. Even if you are a woman of the 21st century, independent and confident as I am, raised by a single mother who was tough as nails, I still carried this collective weight of so many years of deep ingrained conditioning.  Not to mention the plight of women across the world; it is not an overstatement to say that we have been conditioned to put our needs last. And if you are an overly sensitive-empathic man, lets just say it hasn’t exactly been a cake walk for you either. If you were overly sensitive that means you were shamed and deemed a “pussy” by your peers. You were probably bullied and made to feel inadequate, wounding a core part of you that never really felt like a “real man”.  Whatever feelings you did have were probably stuffed away deep into your shadow and the more aggressive traits that deem you worthy in this culture as a “man” were nurtured in you. In other words, you had to fit into a system that completely denied your authenticity and trained you out of your emotions.

It's so interesting how we have made emotions and sensitivity such intense signs of weakness in our culture.  The imbalance has become so off-center that men are virtually unallowed to feel emotion, while women are the bearers of all the emotion, one being weak, the other being strong.  This paradigm is dissolving as we speak and the emergence of sensitivity as a strength is what is coming back into the forefront. My point is that no one has been taught in this culture of “shoulds” to honor our own individual needs.  We actually can't even fully identify what our needs truly are because that would require us to be in touch with our truth, our authenticity and in a culture that has pushed us to fit into a narrative that isn't actually OURS, sometimes that can be a bit hard.  

So this is my point, whatever conflict you are going through, with whomever it may be with, for a moment, STOP.  Stop the insanity. Through all of this, the spotlight, the LIGHT, the awareness, the ENERGY is all on THEM. Take that spotlight of awareness, and put it on YOU.  Now this actually kind of hurts to do. I'm not going to pretend like this is easy, because after a lifetime of overgiving and being out of touch with what it is that you actually NEED to THRIVE, starting to actually pay attention is a little bit intense.  It's a little more than intense, it's kind of painful. But it's the absolute way to freedom.

All of this can begin with one question to yourself.  What is it that I need? Now so much of the time, we dont ask ourselves this question because in asking ourselves this it means we have to change the way that we have been living our lives and operating within our relationships.  I'm not talking about asking yourself what do you need, like I need a glass of water, I need a blanket to be warm, those are basic needs. Im talking about what do you NEED emotionally? What is it that you need in order to thrive?  Try if you can to take making the other person do something for you, put the spotlight on YOU. What do I need? What is it that I want? I know this is hard, but it begins to actually help you take your power back, away from needing them to act in a certain way for you to be ok.  When I began to ask this question of myself, the answer that I got was not something that I wanted to face. I didn't want to face it because it involved me having to ask my partner to move out. When I was in a relationship I wasn't happy in, instead of asking about what I needed HIM to do to make me feel better, I finally asked myself what was it that I needed to feel OK?  The answer was, SPACE. I needed SPACE. And if I got REALLY honest with myself, like really REALLY honest, I needed to live alone again. Dayyyyym if that wasn't hard to face. So I would ask you to ask yourself this question, what is it that you need? What is it that you REALLY need in order to thrive? Go deep, go into the awkward, uncomfortable spaces, GO THERE because what you will find will set you free and help you uncover who it is underneath all those layers of conditioning.  What's under there is your freedom, your wildness, your truest self and that is where the seat of your authentic power lies.

The Pain of Saying No

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So anyone who is sensitive. Empathic, or who was simply groomed to please as most of us are in this culture, one way or another, the pain of saying no is real.  I bring this up because in the spiritual community we don’t really talk about this much. We talk about the NEED to say no and have firm boundaries and that having firm boundaries is the key to a healthy sense of self and self love.  Yet, what is often missed in this picture is that when you are sensitive and you feel the pain or displeasure of others, saying no after a lifetime of saying yes most of the time to people's requests no matter how big or small is excruciatingly painful.  Someone reading this could say, “You don’t actually feel pain from saying no, come on.” But for me, saying no to someone I deeply love or someone that I know is going to have a really hard time from me saying no actually DOES feel painful. It can hurt deep in my chest, like a hand literally grabbing my heart and squeezing it.  

As someone that has been psychic and empathic my entire life, being sensitive and sensitive to the needs of others has been a blessing and a curse.  I understand things many people don’t about people, and can sense whatever it is they are going through without them even having to explain. Yet, what that means is that I can feel their pain as if it were my own.  And in many cases, especially in relationships, when you can feel someone's pain so viscerally, you want to do anything you can do so that they don't have to feel that pain. Usually that means compromising yourself, meaning your body, your needs, your voice, your preferences, your likes and dislikes- for theirs.  Yet when we do this- compromise our truth and our authenticity for someone else, a part of us becomes hidden from ourselves. The subtle denial of what it is that we truly want, creates a schism between what it is that we want others to see, or what we want the world to see that is more desirable versus what we ACTUALLY desire, which in many cases goes against the grain or at least the mainstream.

This can be described in several different ways, as beginning to create better boundaries, paying attention to YOUR needs instead of constantly paying attention to the needs of others, and simply saying NO.  Yet, what I am interested in focusing this article on is shining the light on the pain that comes with saying No to someone you love, because this is where the transformation of ourselves and where we can begin to return and rewild ourselves.  

Why is this process so painful?  Saying No, shouldn't it be simple, cut and dry, black and white?  You don't want to do something, so you say No right? That easy! Nope.  This has literally been one of the most painful lessons of my life, and I believe experiencing the pain and moving through it is part of the rewilding process, as pain itself is wild.  And to return to pure essence within us, we must dive head first into it our own darkness.

If we go beneath the “shoulds” of self-love and conscious awareness, and dig a little deeper, what we are essentially asking ourselves to do is to choose ourselves over someone else.  This shouldn’t be so hard either, right? Well if we dig a little deeper into that choice, We really have to come face to face with how we truly have been treating ourselves i.e. how we have been programmed by the collective culture, family, partners, friends, television, religion, etc.  to feel about ourselves. This is where the pain of what I am talking about reveals itself.

Because when you dig deep into this, and you ask yourself these questions, one may begin to realize that they don’t even know who they really are.  This is fucking painful. When you have created an identity that you show the world (your mask) and suppress your wildness (authenticity), your identity becomes that mask.  The USA is a culture of masks. It's a culture of striving, perfection, and competition that is inexhaustible and leads one astray from their deepest, purest, most potent desires.   Yet the more awake and aware you are you can feel that something is off. It reveals itself through the anxiety you feel constantly, the depression you feel, the deep pressure, the judgement you have of yourself and others, the anger you feel.  

This can create an entire breakdown of the psyche and soul.  So many of us have lived our lives in order to please others, simply put.  It is encouraged in our culture, especially for women. Under a system that was founded under institutionalized patriarchy (religion) the entire fabric of the culture at large is one of living a life ‘judged’ by God, an external force that is deemed Male, that is outside of ourselves.  Women and men are both victim to this system, as it has forced everyone to conform to an ideal that is never truly ever able to be met within any kind of true health. Within this system if men are too sensitive they are called “pussys” and deemed weak and therefore worthless, and women are made to be subservient and in service without being overly aggressive.

Why is it that those that are the most “successful” in our culture, that have the highest paying jobs, celebrity, purpose, beautiful families, and attractive mates are on several different kinds of antidepressants, anxiety medications, and that have to take tranquilizers and xanax in order to appropriately function?  Why is it that those that have what seems like a seamless ‘mask’ are the ones that are suffering so intensely on the inside? These are the people that are contemplating suicide, battling depression, and processing crippling anxiety. This is the shadow, its the polarization of what we present to the world, and the manipulation and repression of what our soul actually yearns to express.  The wider the gap is between what it is we may actually want, and the life we are living in order to please others, the more intense the shadow becomes.

The pain of saying no comes from this history, it comes from a deeply rooted culture of “shoulds” in order to be deemed worthy, and “good.”  In this history if we operate from our souls, and are true to our own individual wildness we are wrong, selfish, ugly, unworthy. The time has come on this planet where these old structures and paradigms are now dissolving.  Women and men that have fell victim to this system are learning what it means to say no. Yet, we are in the middle of something, where the old is dissolving and the new is emerging so many of us are waking up to realize we may not really know who we are underneath all the “shoulds.”  

The best piece of advice I can give anyone that may be going through something like this is to allow yourself the time and space to grieve for your wild soul.  One cannot simply move forward after a lifetime of shoulds to all of a sudden stopping them and changing course. The more we allow ourselves to honor our process the better it is.  Serious grieving needs to happen, for the person that you have been putting away for so many years. It may come out as anger, it may come out as sadness, it may come out as apathy, however it comes out, acknowledging it and sitting with it helps to work through it.  What do I mean by “sitting with it?” I mean that sitting in a place where you feel the feelings of a time when you said yes but really wanted to say no, and allowing yourself to completely enter that memory and the feeling you had while doing that thing. It can be big or small depending on what you are ready for.  I want you to feel the resistance you had in yourself, the piece of you that felt kind of icky, like you knew in a way you were betraying yourself but had no idea how to move otherwise. I want you to feel the feelings of not wanting to disappoint that person, and how that feeling overtook the need to say no. Feel that ickiness in all of that, dive into it.  This is the part of ourselves that we have put to the side, that we stuffed into the shadows, that we forsake, and only by remembering it and remembering the times we could feel it calling to us can we begin to rewild ourselves and remember who we truly are.

The Shadow of Anthony Bourdain

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So Anthony Bourdain killed himself, apparently in a hotel room in France.  He hung himself with his belt. Goddamn man, I don't know about you but for some reason this suicide hit me deep and hard.  Anthony Bourdain was a man of the people, the underdog, the downtrodden. He cared, he saw, he went. After getting over the initial shock and deep sadness of it all, I started really diving in to what this means about the collective and individual shadow.  The idea of suicide is widespread tucked deep behind the shadows of so many seemingly content and happy faces. There is a theme that is traveling throughout, its a theme of anxiety, depression, pressure, self-hate, addiction, anger, rage, jealousy, the list goes on and on.  It's our collective shadow. I hear it from so many of my clients, people that have it all put together on the outside, big house, beautiful family, tons of money, yet something inside feels like it is getting squeezed and pressured so intensely that the anxiety, self-loathing, and depression that comes out of it is unbearable.  There is a dichotomy here where the outside doesn't match the inside, where the face we show to the world doesn't match what is happening internally.

 

In the USA we place a lot of importance on our image.  Screaming in public is shoed, crying in public is even worse. Its based on this deep fundamental idea that comes from the roots of Christianity, this idea of good vs. evil, this idea that the darkness is “bad”, its the devils making, and that to be worthy we must be “good”.  Whether or not you were raised religious this is the underlying current of how our culture operates. It is also founded on patriarchal roots that really deny any vulnerability. To be vulnerable is to be weak, to be weak is to be worthless. This is not true just for men, but just as true for women.  For to be worthy within a patriarchal culture (a culture that deems masculine ideals of strength, action, force, externalization) all within those culture must form themselves to the mold in order to fit in.

 

So we have an issue here because there is a darkness in all of us and throughout our culture that refuses to get acknowledged.  Every single one of us has darkness no matter how “good” we are, it's the nature of duality, you cannot have the dark without the light.  Yet, we deny this darkness and therefore repress it. It becomes an unconscious aspect of our being and comes out in many different ways, addiction, anger, depression, anxiety, are all part of it.  One can only stuff down their raw emotions into an unconscious pit before they arise in some shape or form.

 

It was evident that Anthony Bourdain had darkness, what was so great about him was that he acknowledged this part about himself.  He didn't try to be anything that he wasn't, he was authentic, he was real. He had crawled out of a dark hole how many times in his life?  I'm sure this wasn't the first time he considered suicide, how can one be a heroin addict for as many years as he was and never consciously consider it?  Even subconsciously? So Anthony Bourdain wore his darkness, he was edgy, he was kind of an asshole, but he was REAL, and he FUCKING CARED. He went deep into the darkness of our planet, into the darkest shadowy places of the unknown, into the Democratic Republic of Congo where people systematically had their limbs cut off by the Belgians because they worked too slow and broke bread with those people.  He traveled into the heart of Libya and watched a video of people torturing Gaddafi with pride. Anthony Bourdain was no stranger to the human shadow, it seemed that was where he was comfortable, traveling amongst it.

 

Yet, the piece that I feel with Anthony Bourdain was that he was trapped inside of this patriarchal ideal of what it means to be a man.  He was edgy, he was a punk, he was a rebel, but he was very masculine and he was proud of it. The thing I noticed most about Anthony Bourdain and “Parts Unknown” was nothing really phased him.  He could watch something intensely gruesome and barely bat an eye just as easily as he could be honored by the chief of a tribe (something he felt very special about) and not even shed a tear. I'm not saying this didn't touch him, as you can see by the kind of life he lived he lived for those moments of real connection.  Yet I think it was a struggle for him to expose his vulnerability. Anthony Bourdain was tough, yet I believe it was this exterior that he showed to the world where behind the mask of this toughness, in his own shadow, was a highly sensitive, vulnerable, and saddened human being.

 

As I said before, to be sensitive as a man within a patriarchal system is to be deemed worthless.  I have no idea how Anthony Bourdain grew up, but I can't imagine someone getting that tough by being a crybaby.  Yet those that are the addicts and the anxious ones are often times the ones that are the most intensely sensitive.  This is what is part of Anthony Bourdain's shadow, the truly sensitive soul that he really was. I imagine one can only travel for so long enduring the collective pain of so many cultures without internalizing that.  Humans that endure wars and lifetimes of violence develop PTSD and all other kinds of disorders. Anthony Bourdain embraced the darkness throughout this planet and did his part in the collective healing, yet there was a part of himself that he never fully reconciled.  A part of him that was empathic, sensitive, and felt the pain amongst the people. This repressed sensitivity was his shadow, and on the night of June 8th, it finally got the best of him. Anthony couldn't live with the anxiety, the sadness, the depression, the deep deep grief anymore and ended his own life because he was unable to process it.  

 

There is so much inside of our shadows, the more we put on the mask and seperate the way we are truly feeling from the way we want to show people we feel, the wider the schism gets.  We are at a time of collective healing on our planet where, if as a species we are to survive, this chasm between our deep dark repressed and internalized self and the self we project outwardly to the world must begin to start talking to one another.  There needs to be a reconciliation of who we are and who we think we should be. The closer we get to realizing that we cannot keep up with the image we project out in the world, the more authentic we become. The more authentic we become, the more integrated we are.  This is a new paradigm, one of WHOLENESS, where the dark and the light merge. There is an integration that must begin to take place so that health, true health, and healing can emerge. This is my prayer for you reading this, as well as my prayer for the collective whole.  May we all begin to allow ourselves the totality of our emotions without feeling shame, guilt, or fear for having them. Whatever emotions they may be, may we allow ourselves to feel them. May we free ourselves of the constriction of the mask, and realize we are all of it; angry, beautiful, depressed, joyful, hateful, loving, weak, strong.  We are all of it, we are one.

Wild Trust

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I don't know about you, but there have been a lot of changes that have been rocking my world lately.  In the past these changes may have triggered something inside of me that would result in anxiety, anger, fear, uncertainty, all jumbled into one making for an amazing ball of stress that I could feel in my body and heart. This would make the way I operated in the world not exactly great, I would be irritable, cranky, angry and all around not very fun to be around.  The thing was, I had a hard time pinpointing what was wrong with me, all I knew was that I was sad and mad.  What I realize now that at the basis of all of those emotions was one thing, Fear.  It was the fear of the uncertainty, of the unknown, of instability. Something has happened to me over the years though, through a series of various crises’ in my life, I have learned how to cope using the power of Love.  You can call it whatever you want, God, Love, Cosmic Consciousness, the Divine, Spirit, it's all the same thing. Once I began to live as though this were a living, breathing, active force in my life, I learned how to trust that there is something greater at work in this universe, something greater than myself and any of us.  It's a force of love that, if one is able to open to this force, can allow it to transform and take over our entire lives.

The western world as has been operating the past 200 years or so has a lot to do with this concept of “manifest destiny”, the idea that we have the power as individuals to manifest the lives we want, and live out the highest destiny for ourselves.  This is a beautiful idea, and one that at the time was an evolution in consciousness, putting the persons destiny in their own hands versus that of a landlord, king, or boss. This has created the world we live in today, it has created the very fabric of the American work ethic, that being that if you work hard enough for whatever it is that you desire, you can attain it.  This is connected to the ‘protestant work ethic’ which basically deems someone worthy in the eyes of God if they do work themselves to the bone. All of these ideas formed this very YANG (active, energetic, outward, fiery, external) energy that capitalism is founded upon. Yet, where we currently are at in this time in history is we have been in excess of this kind of energy for too long.  

In the Yin/Yang symbol, the ultimate balance and health is met when both of the energies are met in harmony and balance.  This is the central tenet of Taoism, and of mother nature herself, when we are not in balance, we out of harmony and that is when dis-ease begins to develop.  We are living in a dis-eased culture that emphasises the importance of Yang energies over Yin. There is a recalibration happening now that is reintegrating Yin energies.  This is how the health of our planet will come back into balance.

When we are living a life that is driven by the ideal that we create our reality as long as we work and push and do as much as we can, we completely forget the hidden, energetic, subtle and internal energies that are needed to counterbalance this energy.  When we are living in this Yang way, all of life's responsibilities are on our shoulders.  We are completely responsible for everything in life.  This can be a great way to live if things are going really well for someone.  They feel great about themselves and their ego or idea of who they are in this world feels very good to them.  Yet when things go wrong, or there are changes that are unexpected and/or uncertain this way of living can become like its own little internal hell.  That is because when we are living from this place of the self and only the self, we don't have anything or anyone to turn to for support in trying times.  This is where so much anxiety, anger, fear, desperation, addiction, all manifest in ones life. When they feel overwhelmed with the responsibilities and pressure of having to “handle it all.”  This is what the mid-life crisis is all about for men and women.

What I am here to tell you today, is that there is another way of living that is outside of this paradigm, outside of this pressure, and outside of this ego-based existence.  I'm not judging anyone if they have been operating this way for the majority of their lives, there is nothing in our culture that has taught us otherwise. Religion can assist in moving one toward a feeling of deeper support, but religion is based inside of a deeply dysfunctional patriarchal system that favors Yang masculine energy as well.  It's a world of judgement and right and wrong and a world where you have to act a certain way in order to be deemed worthy in the eyes of God. It's a lot of pressure to rise up to these ideals, and often times religion just makes people feel worse about themselves because they are unable to meet the 50,000 rules that are put upon them in order to be a “good” person in the eyes of ”God.”

This is not what I am talking about here today.  What I am talking about is the cultivation of a spiritual life, separate from religion and science.  What this is, is a cultivation of the YIN energies, that of patience, quiet, internal, still, soft, intuitive feelings.  Through a few different teachers of mine, I have learned to operate differently in the world. And it is based on this idea of a Wild Trust, simply by saying the phrase, “I Trust.”

When we begin to open to the idea that this entire universe is and of itself love incarnate.  And we are parts and pieces of that love. We are channels of being that the universe works through.  This is very different than the idea that we are bending our will and making the universe bow to our commands.  You see, when you have the deep belief and understanding that this universe contains the great mystery including all the goodness and beauty that resides within us all;  when you begin to realize that this Love is all around us, and we are in fact this LOVE, something begins to happen. It alters one's consciousness and offers a level of support that most of us are not at all used to having.  When you let go of the father-figure type God that is watching your every move right and wrong, and open instead to a living, breathing, multidimensional love that emanates every single thing in this universe, you can start to feel that we are all supported by something much greater than we can ever fathom.  

This is what happened to me.  I was raised without religion but not really raised with anything else in its place, yet I have always been a seeker.  After years of trying to annihilate my ego, I've realized its not my egos fault for wanting things in this world, it's simply a deficiency of Yin energy.  I have always been someone that when she sees something, she goes out and gets it. I have a lot of Yang energy. But this has created enough periods in my life where when I don't get what I want, I lose my shit emotionally.  I hit a point in my own evolution where I realized I didn't want to live like that any longer. I feel like when you hit enough breaking points in your life, that is when the deep transformation happens. And this was when I let go of the “manifesting mindset” that which tries to bend the will of the universe to meet my needs, and instead opened myself up to allowing the universe to work through me instead of for me.  When I began to realize that this is a way of living where you work in harmony with Spirit instead of against it, my life became so MUCH EASIER.  

I'm not saying learning to operate in this way is easy in and of itself, its basically against everything we have been taught as the American way.  Yet, as consciousness on this planet is evolving and the darkness and the light are becoming more intensified, this way of being represents an emerging paradigm that I believe is what will rebalance the energies of the planet and create great healing.  

Learning to open ourselves to a deeper, primordial wisdom that resides within ourselves is what will rebalance the scales and allow for a deeper harmony on the planet and amongst the humans on it.  

Two words that can start this for anyone that is going through changes and feeling uncertain, scared, angry, anxious etc, are I TRUST.  What is that you trust in exactly? You trust that the more you open yourself up to this deeper knowing of this pulsing love that emanates everything, and believe in its presence and power, the more you begin to surrender control of what the small-self thinks it is handling.  Once we begin to allow for this force of wild love to enter our lives, we begin to offer it all of our problems, anxieties, and fears. I personally pray to this force of love as the highest source of all that is good, all that is holy, and all that is love on this planet. It is the infinite spirit of oneness that emanates all.  This is a living force in my life, and when I am going through a particularly hard time, I offer all my worries to this source of love. When I do that, I say, “I Trust.” What I trust is that this love that has my best interests, that has a divine and holy plan orchestrated for me in my life, will handle this way better than my small human self could ever do.  I give it back to this source of love and when I do that, I let go.

Energy no matter how it travels cannot travel through a tense, tight, grasping space.  When we are trying to control things, we grasp and cling and hold onto, because we think that is what will make us safe.  What is the truth is that the more that we can learn to let go, and offer ourselves and our lives back to this love, we allow this emanating energy to work through us and create something even more miraculous than us, ourselves could have even imagined.  My teacher Tosha Silver has taught me how to do this, and since I started living in this way, my life has completely transformed. I am more in line with that which I am meant to be doing on the planet. That is why I am writing this right now, because as I was meditating this morning these words “I Trust” kept coming to me, and I saw myself writing this.  Its like I was guided by something greater because I allowed myself to open up to its flow. There is a natural, emanating flow that guides everything in this universe and it is up to us to align ourselves with this flow. How we align is we open ourselves, offer it all back, and Trust that it is getting taken care of.  

This trusting process can be very painful because we are essentially letting go of something that we think we want and or need to feel good.  I have spent many nights crying at my altar offering and letting go of that which I thought was what I wanted. I came to realize days, sometimes weeks or months later that something I could have never even imagined came to me in its place.  This is alignment with the universe, this is Wild Trust.